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普通に歩道歩いてたら前方からおばあちゃんがくるから「おはようございます」って挨拶しようと思って「お」って言った瞬間そのおばあちゃんが爆発してしまって笑った。 

僕は精神障害者なので、あまり頭の良さそうなことをいえないからごめんね。
でも、言いたいことは山ほどある。
だから、少しだけ聞いてほしい。

見るつもりの無いテレビをつけっぱなしにして、ソファに寝転がって携帯電話の画面を眺めるんでいい。
君がこの前、録画した「鮫肌男と桃尻女」のビデオを観ながらでもいい。
僕の言葉が少しでも君たちの気分を害せるのならこれ以上幸せなことは無いんだ。



2005年11月9日
僕は薄暗い部屋の中で血を吐いていた。
ペットボトルに血を吐きこんだものが既に2本溜まっていた。
涙が止まらない。

僕の部屋のドアが開いて、シルクハットとマントを被った男が入ってきた。
男は怯える僕の顔を抑え、手に持っていたコップの中の尿に似た液体を僕の口に流し込んだ。
点いていたテレビの中のタレントが「美味しそうなカニですねー」と言った。
男は僕の口を押さえ、その液体を無理矢理飲み込ませた。
液体は僕の口の中で、血とミックスされて、喉を通過した。
点いていたテレビの中のタレントが「これが食べ放題とは幸せです」と言った。

僕の口の中が空になったのを確認すると、男はマントを翻し、「キャハハハハ」と笑って、部屋の窓に向かって走り出し、ガラスを突き破って外に飛び出した。
僕の部屋は2階程度の高さだというのにだというのに、全身がバラバラに砕け散って、脳味噌もあたりに勢い良く飛び散っていた。
もう、高層ビルの300階から、飛び降りたみたいに。
どうすれば、ここまで勢い良く床に叩きつけられるのか知りたい。

その後
救急車と
警察と
アニメオタクたち(←なんでだか分からない)
がゾロゾロとやってきて死体を回収した。

僕も警察の格好をして、鏡の前で敬礼し「甘口と辛口。正反対のものなのに迷うのって何でだろうね」と呟いた。







その液体を飲んでからというもの、特に体に変化は起きなかった。
カウボーイの格好をし、首を吊る夢を見る程度だった。

その夢から覚めてトイレに行こうとしたら、トイレの扉に「工事中」の張り紙が貼ってあった。
無視してドアを開けたら、中でブルドーザーがガガガガガーってなんかやってた。
構わず、うんこをぶちまけてきてやった。

だけど、あの変な液体の男が今もまだ、僕の前にふと現れたりするのである。
という話は全て嘘なんですけど。




僕は、遭遇したブサイクに「自殺しろ」と言うと10点もらえるゲームをしている。
ただし、逆に僕が誰かに「自殺しろ」と言われたら-10点。

今日はブサイク14人に「自殺しろ」と言ったので、得点は-580点だ!

僕の後ろにずっと人間がピタリと張り付いていて、「自殺しろ」ってみんなに言われてるのは実はそいつだって思えば笑顔でいられるよ。

近所にずっと笑顔の犬が居て、最近それが置物だと知った。
近所にずっと笑顔の少年が居て、最近それが顔面に障害をもった少年だと知った。
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[ 2008/05/18 22:02 ] 日記 | トラックバック(-) | CM(74)

ふふふ^^
[ 2008/05/18 22:34 ] [ 編集 ]

マイナス580点で、相当笑ったー
[ 2008/05/18 23:04 ] [ 編集 ]

最後でぞっとした
[ 2008/05/18 23:32 ] [ 編集 ]

泣きたくなっちゃったよ
[ 2008/05/19 00:09 ] [ 編集 ]

世界はおかしいことだらけだ。望みは叶わないのに望まれないことの方が多すぎる。
背後霊のはずのひいばあちゃん、ごめん。ごめんよ。
[ 2008/05/19 00:53 ] [ 編集 ]

すいません、タイトルで一番笑いました
[ 2008/05/19 16:14 ] [ 編集 ]

やっぱり青木君の文章は怖いわ。
[ 2008/05/19 23:04 ] [ 編集 ]

管理人のみ閲覧できます

このコメントは管理人のみ閲覧できます
[ 2008/05/21 17:16 ] [ 編集 ]

なんでこんなに青木さんの文が好きなんだろう。
[ 2008/05/21 20:14 ] [ 編集 ]

管理人のみ閲覧できます

このコメントは管理人のみ閲覧できます
[ 2008/05/22 22:14 ] [ 編集 ]

会いたい。
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